Ahhh Eddie... the soft spoken, quiet, wild, wise, caring, funny, optimistic and all around great guy.... you rarely post but when you do, they are the posts that last the ages.

I read your posts a few days ago and no word of a lie spit my coffee all over my screen. Anytime "mossy green substance growing from my penis" is mentioned... well that's classic material right there. And the image of us sitting on the porch of a retirement home in rocking chairs in the future is just comedy gold.

But today as I sit here ready to write my next epic post, I reread yours and the same posts that had me ROTFL, actually drew up the opposite emotions, and not because of "mossy green substance growing from my penis"
It was the idea of us sitting on the porch of a retirement home in rocking chairs is something me and Mark mention many times when we talk about the future. Its always funny to talk about, but when I really think (analyze) it, its almost a dream for me. I really do hope that one day there will be six rocking chairs lined up on a porch, each with one of our asses planted in it, some with oxygen tanks on wheels next to them, and 1 chair on wheels facing us that Jason is sitting in and uses to wheel from one end of the line to the other as he wipes up our drool, feeds Rick his celery sticks, and helps Dino with his juice box. Its a sad image to paint, but I hope its one that gets painted.

I know I don't always post detailed info after one of you guys visits, and its not because it means nothing, or is less important than someone else's visit , its mostly because of time, or because even though we had a great time sitting around talking, its not exactly something other people need/want to read about. But trust me, I love hanging out with you guys, separately just as much as I do when its all of us. Its always a highlight to be around you guys and it really is a change from the regular day to day crap. Not that hanging out with Mark is crap... I love hanging out with him, he's my right hand man down here, and I would be nothing without him, but its nice to have some sprinkles on your ice cream once in awhile and that's where you all come in. No one sprinkle is better than the other, they just all work together to make yummy goodness.

So with that I will now commence the WeekEnd in Review....

As we all know Mark is getting married in September. He has chosen me to be his bestman with his brother Steve and Greg to be the groomsman. A few months ago Tanya informed me that it is a family tradition to have all the groomsmen serve drinks at the bridal shower. I found this to be quite the strange tradition since usually bridal showers are for the woman only. Honestly I was not very excited about this, especially because I thought I might be the only one showing up to server drinks. So in the back of my head all I could think about was how I was dreading that day.

Two weeks ago Mark informed me that he had spoken to Greg and he said he would come down to help out. Well I haven't talked to Greg since Christmas, so I was pretty surprised to hear that. Also Steve said he was coming too, so now I at least knew I wouldn't be alone. But really... that didn't ease the pain in knowing I had to go. I just don't like those kinds of things... quelle surprise!

So now its the day before the shower and Greg shows up. Mark, Greg and I head out to a local pub at noon for something to eat and a drink. Now let me tell you something you already know. Greg likes to drink. Its been a long, long time since I have drank 2 days in a row, and it only takes having Greg around to fix that. I can honestly say that for 36 hours I had alcohol in my system. I may not have been drunk for any of those hours, but my blood was definitely thinner in that time frame.

After our romantic meal together we headed back to my place, where we took advantage of the Karaoke portion on my Arcade cabinet for the next few hours. Mark and Greg belted out some of the great french canadian classics from the likes of Patrick Bruel, while Greg and I did our best Phil Colins to Something Happened on The Way to Heaven. Then we teamed up for a grand rendition of We Are The World, with Mark supplying some great impressions of the various original singers.

Once our afternoon concert was complete Mark headed out for dinner with his family to celebrate his parents 40th wedding anniversary. While he was gone, Greg and I ordered a pizza... actually... it wasn't delivery.... it was Delissio!

Mark came back from his dinner and because the shower was the next day we decided to just chillax for the night shooting the shit and talking bad about everyone until it was finally time to call it a night. Mark left, Greg passed out in 2 mins, and I stayed up watching Dane Cook dreading the day to come....

Sunday rolls around. I wake up before the alarm goes off and let Greg sleep while I go do my morning deeds. He wakes up a while later and plugs in the kettle. At this point I'm at the computer checking my email, and Greg is in the kitchen making sure the water is thoroughly boiled by letting the kettle whistle for 3 mins before I say "Um.. Greg... I think the water is done"

He kindly makes me a coffee and brings it to me, then grabs the newspaper and his fresh coffee and walks (in his gay little booty shorts) to the bathroom to have his morning dump.... while drinking his coffee... and reading the paper.... yes... yes he did... and I did say the name Greg, so really none of this should shock you.

He comes out with the mandatory accent Indian just had a great shit call of the wild "WOOOooooooooooo!!!!" and then plugs the kettle back in and heads over to the arcade for a game of Kung Fu. After a few rounds of Kung Fu, a couple of laps of RC Pro AM and a second coffee he gets on his best white T-shirt, black pants and running shoes. He did class it up with a snazzy blazer. (I thought for sure Tanya was going to kill him until I saw he actually brought a blazer)

We head out on the road for our 1 hour drive to Brantford where Tanya grew up, for those of you not familiar with the area, its where you go to get cheap smokes, and not far from Highway 53 AKA where Mark shit on the side of the road.

We get there with about 30mins before the party starts and before we go in we sit in the Jeep talking about how horrible the next few hours were going to be. After a few mins we finally get out and head over to the church. (yes in Brantford they hold parties in barns and showers in church basements) Mark is outside mingling with all the church goers as they all walk out from a Communion and greets us. We head down the stairs to the party room and see way more tables than we were expecting. This was a bit overwhelming. There are only a few people there including Marks parents so we head over to say hi. Then Tanya comes over looking all lovely in her blue dress and semi high heels (too high and your a whore) and she introduces me to her mother.

"This is Marks friend NELSON"

to which her mother responds in broken english.. "Ohhhh you are Nelson, I have heard so much stories about you"

Now people, I am so happy to have you all in my life, and I accept your girlfriends, wives, fiances, or whatever and I love that you guys are all happy and all that shit, and I appreciate that my stories bring you laughter and my misery brings you happiness, but why in the world are stories being told about me?!? And what the hell stories are you telling!?!?! Its very nerve racking being in a room with people I don't know that know something about me! All I need is everyone's moms thinking "oh that's the guy that tends to fall down when he drinks, likes to take off his shirt to expose his hairy gut and makes fun of girls teeth"

"Oh you've heard stories have you, ha ha, well they are all lies" I say as different ways of torturing Mark pass through my head... starting with handcuffing him to a pole while I eat a Red Lobster Ultimate Feast in front of him!

"Ok, now you boys go work, go, go, over there Monica will tell you what to do" her mom says as she cuts my daydream short and ushers us over to Tanya's younger sister.

We head over to Monica and see that there is an actual Bar. At this point me and Greg are filled with joy with the realization that we are going to be BARTENDERS!!! We instantly go behind the bar and start throwing water bottles around as we do our best Cocktail routine!

This is going to be awesome!!!

"Um.... ya.... guys...." we hear Monica say as we put down our bottle and look over

"You guys are gonna be pushing around this cart and filling up glasses at each table" she says while pointing at a small cart with a couple of bottles of wine, juice and Vodka on it.

And with that, the dream of serving flaming shots while singing Kokomo as woman run their fingers though our hairy chests was crushed.... So I buttoned up my shirt.... walked around to the cart and prepared to what was sure to be one of the shittiest days of my life...

Or was it?

What promise did I make before going to this thing?

How did that promise affect the outcome?

Did I meet someone?

What IS this green substance surrounding my penis?

What horrible thing happened to Mark at this shower and how will it affect the wedding?

Did you know it took over 2 hours to write this post?

and Finally

What do you call an Italian iPhone??

Tune in Next Time for the exciting conclusion!!!

To Be Continued...