First off, No Prob Jase, I have some experience dealing with drunken homo's... trust me those boys are tame... try dealing with Eddie after he's been pounding back the Kool Aid... But I'm glad you guys had a great time, and tell Cashmere I'm still waiting to see this LOVE OF DISH WASHING he speaks of.... There will be repercussions... oh yes there will...

So onwards with my Saturday night. Its been a long while since there has been a story about Mark and I. In the beginning there were quite a few (Long walks For Ice Cream, Meeting chicks that almost broke my knees and thought we were sailors, so on and so forth) So tonight I have yet another Tale of stupidity brought to you by Nark.... Grab some Coco... Its Time to take a ride down....

Highway 53

For the past few weeks Mark and his girlfriend (Tanya or TON-YA as she think its said) have been busting my balls to go with them to a Buck N Doe (or Jack & Jill or Cash Grab as I call it) For those that don't know what that is its just a party for an engaged couple where you buy tickets for everything... for Entrance, Booze, Door prizes, tooth picks, soap to wash your F'in hands and what ever else they can make a buck or two off of. So knowing this I told them I didn't want to go. But as the days went by they sort of convinced me. Then Finally Mark called me Friday night and pretty much told me I WAS going and that was it. I did feel bad cause he wouldn't know anyone there and since Tanya was in the wedding party she would be busy helping out so he would be left alone. Oh ya.... the party was in BUFORD!!! Don't know where that is??? No problem... its about 30k passed Hamilton, and another 10k passed BUTT PHUQUE NO WHERE !!!! (ya Dean, where you used to live)

So since Tanya was helping out, she had to be there early. So Mark and her come pick me up at around 5:30 (Mark was supposed to be ready at 5 the prick) and we head off. It was an Ok drive, nothing crazy. I was really dreading it cause we all know how much I LOVE Socializing and I figured I would be the one left alone while Mark shot the shit with everyone.

We get there around 6:30, and when we pulled up I swear I was in shock... The Party was being held in a SILO!!! Not a Barn, a friggin SILO!!! Right there I knew this was gonna be a hell of night, so we drop Tanya off so she can set up and we take her car. She tells us to be back by 8pm. We decide to go cruising around Buford to maybe find something to eat. Well all the way up there I had to have a major Dump! So when I go in the drivers seat, all I wanted was a nice throne. I had it all under control, just booting along, getting stuck behind Tractors and whatnot. We finally hit Brantford (where people go to get cheap smokes, and where Tanya was raised) We see a grocery store, a Shoppers, a Timmies, and some other places we couldn't eat at so I held it in and kept going. Finally after another 20mins we hit pay dirt. I guess it was Downtown... there was a Wendy's, Burger King, Mc. Do's, and other fine establishments. But we kept going cause Mark is a picky eater... finally after running out of Civilization we turn around and he decides on Wendy's. I give him some money to buy my food and I go do my thing....

Now we're sitting at the table about to eat when Mark opens up his Burgers wrapper. Right away he gets up with it and heads to the counter. I figure he's being picky again and they forgot to put mayo on it. He comes back and I ask him what happened. He tells me that there was NO meat in the burger... it was just Bread. (Now remember this because it will be the key to to the upcoming events) So now he's bitching that there wasn't enough Bacon in it (which is always funny to hear from a Jew) But he just takes it anyways. We sit there eating and looking through the local paper (which for the life of us we couldn't pronounce "The Equositor or The Equestorian" or something stupid like that.) Mark opens up the Announcements page and sees all these people getting married.

He says "Wouldn't it be funny if the couple having the Party were in here?"

I say "That's just stupid, no one announces a friggin Buck N Doe"

Sure enough There they were!!! A nice little picture, with the all the Party's info, Time & Place included. So in other words this thing was open to just about anyone in the town... I guess there isn't much to do in Buford.

So now we're done eating and I tell Mark I'm gonna hit the crapper one more time... just for safety reasons. The last thing I wanted was to be using the bathroom in the Silo... So I do my thing AGAIN... and meet Mark outside. We take off back towards the party at a nice leisurely pace. About 2 mins into the drive Mark says he thinks he has to crap. I ask him if he wants me to turn around and he says no, he's fine. Then 5 mins later he says it again. I ask him if he wants me to stop at one of the restaurants coming up, but he says no he can hold it. Ok then, I warn him that there aren't that many place between here and the Silo but he has faith and remembers a restaurant closer to the party. So I put a little petal to the metal and boogy to this restaurant.

Well as we're going, he starts to get fidgety.. I ask him if he's ok, and he replies "ya" I keep slowing down cause I don't remember where exactly this place is and he keeps telling me in an ever increasing tone to keep going. Finally I see this place and as I pull up he starts telling me he's going to run in and for me to go buy a water or something. So I pull up to the door and he jumps out (he had undone his pants belt as well as Seat Belt a long time ago) He WALK/RUNS to the door and its closed. I tell him to run next door to the variety store but the guy wouldn't let him use the john. Mark jumps back in the car, and I head out of the lot. At this point he is struggling, and of course, at this point I failed to turn in time to get ahead of the seriously slow moving semi truck in front of us. So now we're not cruising as fast as we can.

Now this is how retarded we are. Even though he is clenching with everything he has, he tells me to pass the Silo where the party is and to keep going, IN HOPES that there is a better place down Highway 53.

Now we see a gas station and he almost jumps for joy (but not really cause that would be messy) As we pull up we notice an electronic billboard next to it with an advertisement for.... yup the Buck N Doe!!! (these people really have nothing better to do) I pull up to the station.... and its CLOSED!!! Now he's swearing. So Even though the party is right down the street, he wants me to keep going. I keep looking at him and asking if he's ok. As he clenches the door handle he nods "yes" We pass a few more places but everything is closed. Then the few places that existed are now long gone. We keep driving with nothing in front of us but a 2 lane street and fields galore. FINALLY we hit pay dirt!!! No not a bathroom, but Mark feels he's poo poo disappear. I let go of the gas pedal a bit and relax. So now we're both calm and looking for any street that leads too any type of establishment. Ya well that calm was extremely short lived because it was the calm before the storm... All of a sudden I hear...

"Nels I'm gonna Shit myself" "Oh god I'm about to shit myself right now" "Just forget it I AM ABOUT TO SHIT MY PANTS!!!" and he says this while grabbing the door and raising his ass off the seat.

I look at him in complete shock, "Are you serious? No dude just hold on"

and in broken English he says "I can't, what am I going to do? I am going to have to shit myself"

I ask him if he wants me to pull over

and he just says "No, No, No, just f***king go, there has to be something"

"Dude there's nothing here, I can turn around or you're going to have to go in the field" I say.

I swear it was like someone was going to give birth in the car. I was sweating with the amount of pressure I was under. And the faster I would go the worse it was for him, more speed meant harder bumps.

He finally gets it under some what more control just as we pass a Port A Potty, and just as we pass it.... He starts having contractions again! I ask if he wants to go back to it and but we keep going. We start to see houses and he starts thinking about asking someone to use their bathroom. But that's not happening so we move on....

Now I wish there was a happy ending to this story but with us, there is never happiness on our end... its only you guys reading this that end up feeling happy....

Mark finally gives in and tells me to pull over... I ask him if he's sure cause we need every second we have to find a place, but he has fought a losing battle.... I pull over as smoothly as I can and he starts looking through the car for anything that resembles TP in any form. At this point I have lost it... I swear I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

"I can not believe we are doing this" I say cracking up

"Just shut up pop the trunk and look for paper, and water!!!"

"Are you F'in serious man? I can't believe this"

So Mark gets out of the car and while fumbling with his pants, he scopes out his territory. I tell him to open up both the front and back doors so he can block himself from oncoming cars. I head to the trunk and I couldn't even open the thing, I was laughing way to hard. At one point I was bent over the trunk just f'in laughing my ass off. I won't go into details but if you guys would have seen what I was seeing, the panic in his eyes as well as the complete utter look of disappointment, that this is what his life had come too.... (I can't even type this shit out cause I'm laughing so hard right now) I swear it was the funniest f***king thing!!! Then he starts getting bossy...

"Find me some paper!!!"

I finally get the trunk open and of course there is just a bunch of crap in there (and by that I mean odds and ends) but there is one thing... I guess she was planning on wrapping a gift for the couple cause there's a New roll of wrapping paper... So here we are on the side of Hwy 53 in broad daylight as cars go by with me dressed in dress pants and a white dress shirt ripping up wrapping paper and handing it to Mark... definitely a Kodak moment.

So now that its over we compose are selves... well at least he did cause I was cracking up like mad. We get back in the car, and he's still not satisfied, so we keep going. Of course, had we kept driving another 5 mins, we would have hit the Esso station up ahead. He sees it and starts thanking god. I pull up and he runs in and they send him to the restaurant next door. I stay behind to clean the windows and as I do so I just start cracking up again. The guy inside the station must have thought I was completely bonkers. I park the car and head into the bathroom.. after all this poopie talk I figured I better not take any chances. I walk in and I see both stalls are taken, and I have no clue which one Mark is in but I'm greeted by the Classic sounds of Male Washrooms and I promptly leave. I sit outside a few mins and after seeing a couple of men leave the restaurant I figure one of the stalls in now free, so I walk back in.....

Just as I open the door I hear Mark talking... for a split second I think he's talking to me, but then I hear some Older mans voice respond to him

"Ya this is the only place"

Then I hear Mark say "Well thank god for this place then eh.."

As soon as I hear that I start laughing out loud and walk out.

After a few more minutes Mark comes out and I ask him what the hell happened... How the hell did a conversation spark up between him and some strange man in the next stall.

Mark said "Well he was grunting and moaning, so we started talking about what we ate, and how there were no bathrooms between here and Brantford.... He had Salad, I had a burger"

We start our long drive back to the party and at this point its almost 9pm... And our night was just beginning.....

To Be Continued....